Starting Off 2017

As the new year begins, I thought I would document my current mindset so I can really see my growth. The last two years have been especially difficult ones for me, filled with many radical changes. I feel like my life began to crumble around me right when I thought I had it all together. When I graduated high school and began college, I felt very confident in who I was as a person. I liked how I looked (for the first time in.. well.. probably my entire life). I had a great group of friends that I talked to regularly. I had a very tight family unit. I had a serious boyfriend who I cared a lot about.

When my dad passed away later that year, I truly fell apart. It was so unexpected. I thought I had been depressed in 7th grade when my long time crush didn't like me back, but it turns out I had no idea what depression was until I received that phone call mid-November 2015. After that point I really started pushing people away. My 4 year relationship no longer felt fulfilling. My friends seemed out of reach. It was an extremely dark time.

By the time spring 2016 hit, I had improved a lot. I began to focus on things that I enjoyed. I made time to run every morning. I got really into music and art again. I started doing makeup looks on myself regularly. I built my self back up, both physically and mentally.

When I started dating Carl over the summer, I felt great. I fell for him, hard. I knew I loved him after one month. He was great. We spent a great summer together, under the sun. He put me on a pedestal, and made me feel beautiful. I had never been with such a friendly, kind boy before. He was there for me when my grandma passed away. Having him made things feel ok. The most ok I had felt since losing my dad.

Although I hate to admit it, I let the opinion of a boy absolutely destroy me. I have always prided myself on being a strong woman. Yet, when Carl decided he "wasn't feeling it" in October, I was devastated. I couldn't even eat. I think it hurt me so badly because I had really put my entire self out there in the relationship. Losing my dad taught me that life is short and that I should make the most of life. I gave all I had to Carl. And yet... it wasn't enough. Knowing that someone I truly loved with every fiber of my being did not feel the same about me hurt in ways I had never felt before.

From October through December, I have felt incredibly sad and lost. I really thought Carl would come back to me, but he didn't. Feeling down about Carl also stirred up feelings I had about my father, my grandma, and my high school boyfriend that I had repressed. I have no clue where to go from here. I feel like everyone is moving forward, and I'm just stuck. I still go to school and work, but it all seems pointless. I don't want to be here. I don't want to exist. I'm exhausted from this life, and I miss who I was on graduation day. I'm so bitter that things for me are so hard. I'm so mad at myself for not appreciating how great my life was before it turned into a soap opera mess. It's been months since Carl dumped me and I still feel sad about it. I think about him often, and that makes me feel even worse about myself. I should be over it by now, but I'm too damn stupid to even heal correctly. I also feel guilty for even getting upset over a boy when my dad and grandma are dead. As if I don't have more important things to be upset over! I don't understand my feelings. And I'm mad that I have so many of them.

I'm entering 2017 at a new low. This is not supposed to be a sob story to get people to feel bad for me. It is a project to prove to myself that things can and will get better. Or, at least I pray to god that they will. I'll get back to you on that.

In 2017,  I want to to love myself deeply. To not let the opinions of others impact my self-esteem. To realize that I am enough, and I am not defined by a boy's inability to see that. To dedicate my time to things that make me happy. To force myself to go out with friends (because I always end up having fun once I get over the anxiety surrounding the situation). To get better. To want to live again.